I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
