Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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