My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
