i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
