Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death