I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
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