U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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