so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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