An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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