I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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