Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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