My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
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i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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