My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
high people should be assigned attendants
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
A bitchslap is in order.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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