You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
