Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
