somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
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