if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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