I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
ttyl tear gas
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
