i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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