please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
