I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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