Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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