Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
