well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
this hospital has no fireball
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
