I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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