Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
