I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
