I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
