Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
