please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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