WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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