You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
