I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Text me some of your sweat
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
