Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
