marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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