In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
