i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
