just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
