just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
