Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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