My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
