he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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