if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
