I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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