her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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