so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
