that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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