We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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