The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
