so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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