Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
