I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
