Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
