3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
