Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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